What Recovery Is Like For Me

Whenever I would hear the word “Recovery” I always just thought of it as recovering from a surgery, an injury, being sick, in the recovery stage of cancer, I knew of addiction in recovery but I would always say that would never be me. Until alcohol had taken over my life and I could not stop no matter how many times I wanted too, I just couldn’t.

That bottle of wine was my only coping mechanism. I no longer knew how to live life without alcohol involved. Until, I was sent to rehab by my Chief and Captain. It was rehab or loss of my job.

So, my recovery journey began on November 16th, 2023 in New Jersey. I couldn’t understand why my hands were shaking, why I was freezing cold yet sweating and vomiting. I needed the alcohol but had no access to it for 30 days. Everyday in detox I was crying and wouldn’t want to leave my room or eat and that continued throughout the program. I will never forget the first meeting I had to sit in on and utter the words “my name is Deanna and I’m an alcoholic.” While at the facility I would color to distract my mind, while in groups my mind would be racing and my anxiety was plummeting just watching the clock till the next group was to start.

I was in the RESCU Unit with other First Responders and Military members. But, I felt invisible that they did not take me seriously because I’m just a dispatcher as one male had told me. That I did not belong in that Unit so I cried so much, isolated so much more and did not tell anyone what he had said to me. I Wrote in my journal daily and before the 30 days was over I had written front to back in 5 notebooks of everything I was feeling and going through. That this one male had confirmed what I had thought, that I just was not good enough to be there with them.

I would read books, and do more journaling. I had expressed that getting out on December 16th, 2023 was not a good idea as two days later is the anniversary of my father’s passing and I always blamed myself for it. That if I had gotten up sooner at the age of 9yrs old I could have saved my father. It was something I always struggled with. My father had died of an overdose on opiates and was in recovery for alcohol.

I knew I was going to drink it wasn’t a matter of why, it was a matter of when. That was my first relapse, I was ashamed but went on a bender. All that hard work I had put into my recovery had just gone out the window. A week later I was back in detox, got out, drank and then detoxed. I had gone back to detox once more on January 19, 2024 at RCA in New Jersey the program didn’t seem to be working for me. But, in reality it wasn’t the program that wasn’t working, it was the lack of effort that I was not putting in for my recovery.

I had heard this one man come in on a Wednesday night the first time I attended this facility and he was there for our Unit’s alumni speaker meeting and had shared his story with us and how he had gone to a rehab facility in Texas called Warrior’s Heart. So while I was in detox again this male and the gentleman in charge of the Unit were talking and I was informed that he wanted to speak with me so I had called him and he had expressed how he is in contact with Warrior’s Heart and so is my sister.

Gathering information because I did not have access to my email or my cell phone and that when I was leaving detox I was on the next flight out of EWR airport in Newark, NJ and while be traveling to Warrior’s Heart. I was scared out of my mind, I did my phone interview with Astrid at Administration and the one question she asked me was ” what are you most fearful of” and I replied saying “men” because of my prior relationship she then asked me if I was sure because there is a larger presence of male clients and I said “I have to go and get the further treatment for my alcohol addiction, PTSD, Depression and my TBI’s.

So that Wednesday night it was time for the speaker meeting. I had asked who’s coming in to speak and would ask if it was the male who was trying to help me. The RSS would not tell me or confirm that it was him coming into speak. So I walked into the group room waiting and to my shock it was him. I INSTANTLY broke down in tears the entire time he was sharing his story. I knew this was a sign that this was the right thing to do for my recovery.

When he was done speaking we all went around the room sharing about ourselves and then it was my turn and he looked at me and goes “well you’re up what’s your share” I looked at everyone in the room and was balling my eyes out and uttered out “guys you know how I keep talking about the guy who is help me get into Warrior’s Heart it’s him.” At the end of the meeting he gave me a big grizzly bear hug haha and told me I was going to be Okay.

So, January 26th I left RCA and January 27th at 4:30am I was on my way to the airport. Still continuing to do my journey entries, bad anxiety on the plane ride and when I arrived at San Antonio airport I was met by the nicest lady ever Mrs. Pam and the first thing she said to me was “Welcome Home.” When I arrived on main campus everyone was so loving and welcoming and all I kept hearing was “Welcome Home” I had to ask someone and say why do they keep saying that to me? And she replied “because you’re safe and at home we are going to take care of you and help you, you’re family now.” I instantly got a sense of relief. I wasn’t uncomfortable anymore, scared of course just because I didn’t know what to expect for the next 42 days.

The fear of men went away that instant as all the male clients and employees were just so welcoming and I felt safe that I had no reason to be fearful of any men there. I worked beyond hard, attended every group, shared my problems, shared things I’ve never told a soul too before. My Clinicians were amazing. I read the first 100 pages of the Big Book, I wrote and read other books pertaining to recovery. I was working the steps, writing out my life-line and sharing it with complete strangers. When I shared about what that one male said to me at the other facility they assured me that I did belong and explained how some of them could never be a dispatcher and a call taker and maintain multiple radios for different departments. I felt at home.

Then I attended the lodge tour at Sober Living they talked about IOP, MeRT and staying at the lodge but I just was not interested. So I extended for an extra week, I had gained my new best friend, my service dog Milo and had gone home to New Jersey. When I had gone home I was only attending online WA zoom meetings and attending an IOP program at home. But, my mind wasn’t there, it just wasn’t in the moment to continue on with my recovery. I had stopped taking my medicine and within 2 weeks I was in a full blown relapse binge. I had it my “hiccup” because I was ashamed of myself to say I had relapsed, I was ashamed that I “failed” once more. I had let my family and myself down again. This relapse was different this one I was worse off, I had forgotten everything I had learned in recovery and attempted suicide. If it wasn’t for my mother and my sister getting to my apartment I would not be here right now. I had called my sister and said ” I can’t do this anymore, I’m DONE!” I was planning on drinking myself to death. I had given up on recovery and trying, I gave up on my own life. That day I must have had an angel looking over me because once they got to my apartment my mother was packing my bag and my sister was back on the phone with the treatment center and a bed was ready for me at 1700hrs and my service dog was allowed to go with me.

That was on April 21st, 2024 I went in for a 2 week detox and knew right away that if I did not get back to Warrior’s Heart I would die from this disease. So, me and my case manager got back in contact with Astrid. And on May 7th, 2024, I was on a flight back to Warrior’s Heart. I knew I had to work the program that much harder if I wanted this recovery for myself to gain my life back and fight! And that’s EXACTLY what I did, I fought!

I extended for 2 weeks and was out of treatment and heading over to The Lodge for Sober Living. I had to do this right this time NO EXCUSES. It has been the BEST decision I could have ever made. I attended IOP, and MeRT I’m working my steps and my programs, I attend daily AA meetings at the Bandera Group. I go over to the campus for the Alumni fireside meetings, I got a sponsor while in treatment and meet with her once, sometimes twice a week, and talk to her almost daily. Share everything that is a win for me, a loss for me, depression sets in, anxiety and the irritability hits.

But, instead of letting any or some of that break me down and relapse I remember my breathing techniques, coping mechanisms, the finger counting, my nightly and daily inventory to see if I had done something different that day or if something had happened a few days prior or even that day that could have triggered me, watch out for those warning signs, TALK to people! Anything that could be helpful and honestly it’s what works for me and tomorrow September 20th, 2024 I hit 5 months of sobriety and then Saturday September 21st I get to celebrate my birthday sober and know that I no longer need to make excuses for drinking I simply just don’t need it in my life anymore. It does more harm than good. I love waking up clear minded, happy, ready to start the day and be active. I’ve extended my stay here at Sober Living for September and October. Not sure when I’ll be ready to return back home but I am in no rush. Just taking it one day at a time, and when I can’t do that it’s 1hr at a time, it’s a minute at a time. Whatever works for me just works.