By my mid-50s, I had broken every commandment and destroyed my life several times. I served time in prison in Indonesia, was blacklisted for life, and can never return. I lost a beautiful partner, three dogs, friends, a home, a career, Harley, truck, the lot. I lied, cheated, and stole from family, friends, and employers.
I did horrible things to myself – smoked, snorted, and injected narcotics, further isolating myself from friends, family, and community. Life became excruciatingly horrible, with severe suicidal ideation for months. I was crippled with physical, emotional, and mental pain; laying in the fetal position for hours; a hurricane of horror. I was overweight, could barely walk, and regretted the shell of a man I’d become.
I found a solution to the regrets imprisoning me in the bondage of self-obsession and fear, empowering my life with purpose, meaning, honor, and strength.
A recovery program with daily, non-negotiable routines of self-care followed by vigorous actions.
These are the principles of the recovery program:
Honesty – I had to be honest about my disease of addiction.
Hope – Finding a power greater than me that could restore me to sanity.
Surrender – to a power I choose to call God. I call it God because it’s easy to spell. It is my understanding and no one else. God’s will for me is to do the next right thing.
Courage – I must thoroughly write down my defects of character – resentments, fears, the harm done to others, and sexual relations with people, places, and things, a.k.a, regrets.
Integrity – Admit all my regrets to another person and God.
Willingness – I am willing to have that power remove all my regrets.
Humility – I humbly ask God to remove all my character defects and regrets.
Love – I list the harm done to others and become willing to make amends to all of them.
Responsibility – I make direct amends to those on that list unless I injure them or others. I write letters to those I cannot meet directly. I pay debts I owe or make restitution. I clean my house to the best of my ability. The most amazing thing that happened when I did this was progress, not perfection. It’s called the Promises.
The Promises (verbatim)
When I am painstaking about this phase of my development, I will be amazed before I am halfway through. I am going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. I will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I will comprehend the word serenity and know peace. No matter how far down the scale I have gone, I will see how my experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. I will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in my fellows’; self-seeking will slip away. My whole attitude on life will change. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave me. I will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle me. I will suddenly realize that God is doing for me what I could not do for myself. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled amongst us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, they will always materialize if we work for them.
The work is just starting. There are several more things I need to do to live this new way of life.
Discipline – I continue a personal inventory to keep my side of the street clean; when I am wrong, I admit it promptly. I write a daily gratitude list. An attitude of gratitude conquers regret.
Awareness – I pray and meditate daily and ask to be guided by this power to do the next right thing and the strength to manifest it.
Service – Service to others is the key to my salvation and freedom from the bondage of self and the slavery of active addiction. I do not think less of myself; I think of myself less. A spiritual awakening happened to me when I worked on this recovery program daily. A big part of it is to carry this message to the person who is still sick and suffering from what I suffered from for many years.
This is how I live with regrets of the horrible things I have done.
