“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”
As the Big Book and the 12 and 12 state, step 3 is all about action and willingness – daily. I ask myself, am I not a man of action? Have I not proved it over and over again throughout my life. I used to quote “There is no try, there is only do,” over and over again to my Soldiers to the point that they gave me a Star Wars Yoda sign as well as a book of Yoda quotes. Yet, I clung to this notion that I alone had had complete sovereignty over my life and decisions concerning it. My anti-ego which I think is my soul, pointed out this fallacy not so articulately with a resounding “I call your bluff and I raise you bullshit.” I never had complete sovereignty over my life. My parents first made decisions for me despite my best efforts to rebel. Then, following my peers, wanting to be like my heroes, how I was graded by a professor in college, my spouse, and finally the complete sovereignty of the Army over my life, demonstrated that I never had complete control over any decision – Didn’t I also let alcohol make decisions for me?
However, the thought crept back that I had not ever actually made a conscious decision to give my will over to anything. I had to ask myself, have I ever given up my will consciously? Have I ever surrendered myself intentionally to a power external and perhaps greater than my own ego. The lightning bolt hit me. I had. Every time I stepped into the ocean, I intentionally submitted my will to its mighty power. I submitted myself to the supremacy of the waves, currents, tide, and the seen and unseen creatures below me. Furthermore, that surrender brought me peace because it was the only place where I gave up total control over everything. Attempting to control everything in my life was exhausting and I think that is why surfing and being in the ocean became so rejuvenating for me. Those feelings of helplessness and surrender became oddly comforting to me. Those are the feelings I channel every time I pray to my higher power; how I have to feel about the decision to turn my will and life over to the care of my higher power. My higher power is not the ocean, it is in everything from the space in between the electrons, protons, and neutrons of atoms, to a single blade of grass, to the space in between galaxies and is undefinable. It is through the thought and feel of the ocean and more broadly water that I connect to my higher power and how I commit to the act of turning my will and life over to that great and external power daily.
