“Simple Truths come in complicated ways when I was ego driven”
-Last sentence from the Daily Reflections, 26 May, 2024.
My ego has been the most significant driving factor in my life. I have to admit that in the beginning and in my military career it served me well on most occasions. The belief that I could do great things, stoked by each hilltop I climbed, the applause and atta-boys I received. Outwardly, I gave the proper praise; to my teammates, my coach, my Soldiers, my training, etc. Inwardly, though, I patted myself on my back, telling myself it was my own sheer willpower that got me to that point. I never thanked God, or any higher power for the abilities and talents I was born with or for the strange coincidences that I seemed to fall into which allowed me to be successful. I was always in the right place at the right time. My ego is also the biggest impediment and threat to my sobriety. My ego is what pushes me to wallow in self-pity, victimization, and depression. This Memorial Day weekend is the first one I have spent, except for deployments, sober. Typically, I would use this date as an excuse to buy some good whiskey and get hammered under the auspicious of remembering my fallen brothers and sisters. It was never about them though. It was always about me – how I felt. I’m sure my dead warriors in arms want me to honor their memory by getting into drunken arguments with my family, blacking out, pissing and throwing up on myself, disappearing into a hole of self-hatred and contemplating suicide. So, today I say no. This is not another Memorial Day where I could end up in the ER or dead due to alcohol. This Memorial Day I have a newfound sense of purpose that is in alignment with my Higher Power’s will. My body armor is my program of recovery, the 12 steps of AA and the Four Truths. My weapons are the 12 Spiritual Principles and the Eight-Fold Path. Humility and Service to others being the most important weapons system I bring to this fight against my inner demons and my ego.
I didn’t come to these thoughts easily today. I didn’t just read the daily reflection this morning and make this shit up. I have been through a couple of days of intense suffering and I needed to read that last sentence from the Daily Reflections because 26 May is one of my combat anniversaries. On 26 May, some years ago in a small town in Afghanistan, a routine “presence patrol” composed of 12 SOF, 12 ANA and 4 ANP turned into a the worst firefight I ever experienced in my entire military career. The enemy was waiting for us, cut off the route for ground QRF to reach us and then ambushed us with approximately 275 fights with heavy weapons and a ferocity I never had witnessed. We took a lot of casualties and for those that lived, everyone was wounded. By the end of the day, our element had winchestered 2xF15s, 2xF16s, 2xApaches, and 1xB1. The Air force and a courageous female Warrant Officer sitting in a Blackhawk saved us from complete annihilation. However, during that firefight, when the enemy was so close we were throwing hand grenades, I remember praying to God. I said something along the lines of “okay, I am going to die here, today. I will die for my brothers. Please take care of my wife and son.” When I made that peace, I then did things that people later praised and pinned a shiny medal on me for. But I did those things because I was already dead… and then, I didn’t die. I have told several therapists and Army chaplains in the past that I think I left part of my soul there, on that day in Afghanistan. I also wonder if my prayer actually was some inadvertent deal with the devil because while I came back alive, I was never the same. There was my excuse for seeking oblivion on every 26 May since then. Toasting to that bit of soul floating around Afghanistan and wallowing in my own self-pity. Today, I don’t give myself that option to get all twisted up inside nor do I give myself permission to crawl into a bottle to forget. I don’t allow myself to picture that f******* medal and let it inflate my ego. Today, I need to be still. Just be. Pray for the families of the fallen. Accept that my higher power wanted that day to happen just as it did.
Yesterday, I struggled for another reason as well. I lost one of my former Soldiers to suicide last year. His name was D. He was one of those guys in our unit that just was larger than life; the heart of our company. His oldest daughter graduated high school on the 24th. His long-term girlfriend-for-life posted pictures of the graduation ceremony with the caption, “Damnit D, you were supposed to be here.” I read that right before I marched in a local Memorial Weekend parade alongside my service dog Simon and a handful of other warriors where I was thanked for my service. That stung. I was sad and I was angry. And I am reminded why I went through 26 May, and every other day of combat. Why I struggled through my own combat trauma, injuries, depression, suicide attempt and addiction – to do something positive with it. Today, I am living a program of recovery and I know how close I came to paying the ultimate sacrifice for this country. Today, I honor my fallen warriors, no matter how they fell by not seeking oblivion. My mission and purpose are simple: To reach as many suffering veterans as possible and help them climb out of their misery. I just have to do that with humility instead of my ego.
