26 July 2024
One year ago today I received the news that one of my former non-commissioned officers (NCOs) and someone who had become a friend had taken his own life on 21 July 2023. His name is Damian. I had signed his retirement papers several years ago and he was living his post-Army dream.
One year later the remembrances, celebration of his life, and support for his family poured out over social media and I of course beat myself up over the “could have done” or the “should have done” in my own grief.
The reality is that at the time there was nothing I could have done even if he reached out to me for help, because the day he died I was sitting in a psych ward, detoxing from my latest binge, still trapped in my addiction and my depression.
That being said, Damian’s death sparked something new in me; a new commitment to fight back against the prison of my mind and my alcoholism. That day I asked the doctor to prescribe me antibuse and I stayed abstinent from alcohol for several months.
However, I did not work a program of recovery and I still was driven by the belief that if I just used more will-power that I could overcome the desire for oblivion. I was thoroughly wrong.
While I have lost and continue to lose my brothers and sisters-in-arms to suicide and to their addictions, Damian’s death impacted me significantly and became the chrysalis for my commitment to help other veterans who are suffering wherever I can because I too have wanted to die. I too have tried to end my own life in a multitude of ways.
It took me another few ER visits, another treatment facility, four months in a sober living community, and true desperation to bring me to a place where I work my program of recovery daily and I no longer seek oblivion or have a compulsion to drink.
When that demon on my shoulder whispers seductively in my ear, I remember that if I drink again, I lose the chance to possibly impact that one person that needs something from me so that they don’t pull a trigger. I am no good to anyone drunk or dead. For me, it is the same.
I have extreme sorrow for those I have lost, and empathy for the families that live with that trauma. However, I choose to honor their lives through staying committed to my program of recovery, dedication to rebuilding my own family, and service to other addicts and those suffering as I have suffered from PTSD, TBI, physical injury, and other mental health challenges. I am thankful to my higher power for yet another chance to live.
