A woman in continual relapse shared today at my home group. I was in continual relapse for 12 years after 14 years of continuous sobriety. I identify with her. I like her. It made me cry, right on the spot. She shared how unique her program was, and how unique everyone else in the room’s program was to them, and enigmatic (my word), as if there was a mystery to it, some magic combination of elements that just came together for someone and Voila! Sobriety! because no one she had spoken to could tell her how they had gotten sober.
I must have misunderstood. I had to have misunderstood. Or maybe I’m a fool and I’m not in on the secret. Because that’s what I hear them do every time I’m there. Every single day. If she asked me, I could tell her exactly what I’ve done every single day to stay sober since January 19, 2024. I don’t count days, it doesn’t help me. But, to stay sober since January 19, 2024 I have:
(1) not drank alcohol or done drugs;
(2) woken up every day and spent some time in prayer, meditation, and spiritual reading (SOME time – usually an hour, but in a pinch, 10 min; usually at 0500, but in a pinch at 2300);
(3) I have attended a meeting of Aloholics Anyonymous (not every SINGLE day, but enough to make 101 meetings in my first 90 days out of residential treatment, doubling up on some days to account for the rare days I missed);
(4) I have had a sponsor since 2 days after my discharge from Warriors Heart Residential Treatment Center, continuously, without break, and have had regular contact with him (usually daily, but according to his direction).
I remember when I was terminally unique and how nobody could tell me how they got sober. I thank God I’m just a garden variety drunk now and that there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING unique about me. NOTHING, in ANY regard. I’m sorry Ma, it’s true. This is not mean spirited at all. This is meant with love toward that woman in my home group, because I do love her. She’s not on this blog anyways. I have already prayed for her today and I will again.
Am I self-righteous? Pedantic? I don’t know, probably. But I’m sober, and terrified to drink again and wake up not knowing how to get sober. Not hearing the people sitting in front of me every single day telling me how they did it. Of being that guy, that guy that I was for 12 years saying that shit I heard today in meetings. Thank you God for keeping me sober today. Thank you for removing my obsession to drink alcohol. Thank you for revealing to me that I cannot think myself into right action, that I must act myself into right thinking. Thank you God for doing for me what I cannot do for myself.
