09 July 2024
I took a job as a prep cook while staying in sober living because I needed something to do and could use the extra money to pay off some of my debt. I found myself at about 10:00 A.M. on my first day on the job doing a menial task in the bar area surrounded by bottles of alcohol and two alcoholic slushee machines. I felt that slight pull, that old desire; the insanity. I thought how easy it would be for anyone to sneak a drink. Indeed, I saw myself doing that very thing at any hour I worked. I then saw myself progressing to keeping a bottle of vodka in my truck and “taking breaks” to go to my truck or mixing it into my coffee travel mug. I then saw myself lying in a hospital bed because that would be the progression in continuing this fantasy. I reminded myself that I am not drinking, turned away from starring at the booze and finished my task. I am thankful that I am in recovery. I am thankful to my higher power for reminding me what it was like and what will absolutely happen if I drink again.
To put it even more into focus, I recently went to a rehab facility to chair a meeting and ran into someone who had also been a resident at sober living with me and left after a considerable period of sobriety. I thought he was there doing the same thing I was doing… 12th step work. I was wrong. My friend relapsed, drank for three days straight and then spent 12 days in the hospital. Now he is back in rehab. I feel compassion and empathy for him. I admire his courage to not give up on recovery and I am thankful that I did not have to bury another person due to this addiction. However, in a twisted way I am thankful that I ran into him as it reminds me exactly what will happen to me if I drink again like I fantasized about at work. I will either die, or end back up in the hospital and I don’t know if I would have the same courage to start at day zero again.
I am thankful that I am sober today and living a life of recovery. I am thankful that my higher power gives me the strength to endure what I must each day and sends me these not-so-subtle reminders. I am thankful for having a sponsor and the fellowship to lean on because alcohol is all around me outside of this bubble of sober living. It is at my place of work, in every gas station, restaurant, grocery store, at the beach, in the park and even at the finish line of most races I compete in.
Alcoholism is my problem and while I unquestionably needed this time in this safe space of sober living, I cannot hide here forever. But this time after rehab has allowed me to practice the tools which will allow me to be successful in the future such as being honest with myself about my desire to drink, being honest with my sponsor and actually texting or calling him, leaning on the fellowship, and most of all, asking my higher power for strength and help. So the other day at work was kind of like a live fire exercise allowing me to put my tools into practice with enough controls in place for me to be reasonably certain I wouldn’t achieve catastrophic failure.
