18 November, 2024
Recovery is a full contact sport, Part II Powerlessness and Control
“…To gain power is to be increasingly powerless” – Olivia Blake
Who wants to admit they are powerless? Isn’t nature in its purest sense about gaining power? The alpha male wolf of the pack? Isn’t human society built on power and control of others? Do we not all aspire to have power and to seek control in our own lives? My entire life was built on gaining power and control both personally and professionally when I was an Army officer. It makes sense that I would struggle to admit I am powerless over anything, especially something as common as drinking alcohol. I am not unique in this predicament hence it being foundational for most recovery programs if not explicitly stated as in 12 step programs.
I hate the idea of being powerless. It was not in my vocabulary. Throughout my life I believed I always had power and control. In sports as a teenager, I trained hard which gave me more control so I performed better and due to that was rewarded with increased power, control, and prestige. Pushing my body beyond what I thought were my physical limits satisfied something deep inside of me. Being the captain of the team and popular in social circles fed my ego. I experienced the same in the Army. Alcohol also satisfied something deep inside of me. I believe it comes from the same place… That I am not comfortable with who I am. My experiences in life reinforced my negative core beliefs that I am unworthy of love, that I should be better or the best. Every perceived failure just piled onto those beliefs. Gaining increased power and control which, over the years, translated into drinking more and more as the solution. Until I couldn’t stop.
The paradox of power:
Rock bottom, desperation, utter defeat; whatever you call it, is a true motivator. It doesn’t matter what brought me or perhaps you to that point. It just matters that I got to a place where I finally realized that my very best was never going to be good enough; my ego was trying to kill me. I wish I could tell you how I let go and embraced my powerlessness over alcohol and giving up control over people, places, and things. I tried to explain it in a previous blog post https://warriorspromise.org/what-step-1-means-to-me/. Now with some sober time I have realized the inverse of Olivia Blake’s quote. To gain power I had to give it away. After embracing that once I take a drink of alcohol I will not stop, I have gained immense strength and power; I have the power to not take that first drink. Wait, what? I don’t HAVE to drink? Absolutely! It took some sober time for my body’s physical requirement to survive without alcohol and indeed medicated detoxification and 42 days in a rehab. It took longer for the mental obsession to diminish. I still feel it sometimes though along with the Post-Acute Withdrawal Symptoms (PAWS).
My power now is to utilize the tools available to me when that mental obsession creeps up. My power is in committing every morning to my program of recovery with my daily routine. My power is in embracing humility and calling my sponsor and texting my sober circle that I am thinking about drinking. My power is in being of service to another addict suffering. My power is not being ashamed of who I am or my perceived past failures. I still strive to be a better version of me everyday, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I openly acknowledge I am imperfect – there is power in that. So why the hell would I give it all up by taking that first drink?